An Attempt On My Life

Every year or two without fail, I accidentally ingest some pineapple. Being allergic enough that I have stopped breathing on a few occasions, I object to the amount of hidden pineapple that can be found in Hong Kong. It’s like Hong Kong wants me to kill me. 

I, for one, try to exercise extreme caution with my food choices. Of course Hawaiian pizza and fruit cocktail is out. At hotels, I avoid all fruit since they use the same cutting boards to slice everything. I never get to drink the punch at baby showers and weddings. I even check the ingredients list on the back of orange juice boxes. At many a party I have had to forgo the sausage and pineapple side and sit out when the fluffy Hong Kong-style cakes get passed around (what a sacrifice). I haven’t eaten Thai red curry in years because the risk is just too great. 

But all of those things are for amateurs. Hong Kong has come up with so many more creative attempts on my life. 

It started right away. My first year in the city and my first day at work, I decided to buy lunch at a local bakery. I was excited to try a “Chicken Pizza" until I bit into and discovered chunks of the poisonous fruit hiding beneath the cheese. 

Another time, I went to a Mexican restaurant with friends and ordered a “Pork Burrito.” No further explanation was given on the menu, so I was lulled into a false sense of security. The moment I took a bite of the burrito, I could feel my mouth start itching. “There’s pineapple in this,” I said to my friend. She didn’t believe me until I insisted on asking the waiter. “Yes, we marinate the pork in pineapple,” she told us proudly. 

That’s not all. At an Indian restaurant, I was tricked by a “Cashew Curry.” Some random cha chaan teng in Kwun Tong sold me a 炒牛河 caau2 ngau4 ho2 that had pineapple in it! I had never heard of such a thing and have never seen it since. I shuddered in horror when I saw ads for another cha chaan teng where the pineapple buns boast real pineapple. Is nothing sacred? 

The most recent attempt on my life was just last week. Can you guess how the assassins tried to get to me this time? COLESLAW!!!! I was flabbergasted. I’m living in a world full of danger where even coleslaw is not safe. 

Thankfully I haven’t had my throat close up in more than a decade, so I am feeling good. My MO is to stop eating the food and chug copious amounts of water. My throat will hurt, but so far my airways have remained clear. 

That said, if silence ever falls on Egg Tart Land, know that the pineapples might have finally won.